divine dissatisfaction

posted in: Life | 2
Texas Rainbow (Mark Knight photo)

How much happiness can a human heart can hold? I feel as if I may break into pieces if any more love comes my way. . . . if one more good thing happens. . . yesterday was my birthday. . . I was able to celebrate with all three kids, one son’s girlfriend, and my hubbie–partner of 30+ years. Received messages and blessings from many old and new friends & far-flung family members…geesh, I get teary-eyed recounting it all. Boundaries dissolve as energy quickens.

I’ve certainly been in the opposite position, asking the universe how much grief and sadness a person was capable of feeling. This happy mode is kinda new to me, but I’m getting used to it — sort of.

Here is a piece that was given to the retreatants at the porches writing retreat in October – a la Hip Tranquil Chick, Kimberly Wilson. Check out her blog; this is excerpted from October 27, 2008:

there is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and (will) be lost. the world will not have it. it is not your business to determine how good it is; nor how valuable it is; nor how it compares with your other expressions. it is your business to keep it yours, clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. you do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. you have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. keep the channel open. no artist is pleased. there is no satisfaction whatever at any time. there is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others. – martha graham to agnes demille

Any strong emotion fundamentally ungrounds and uncenters me, but I am practicing watching the feeling rather than engaging. . . And learning to accept the dissatisfaction inherent in living a human life, the blessed unrest as Martha Graham calls it. Holidays really stir up my restlessness — good and bad — sometimes both at the same time. In response, I fill with ambivalent emotions, both loving and hating this tilting off-center.

Setu Bandha (Bridge pose) on platform bed (mpg photo)This is a time when I really need my practice but when my practice is thrown out off kilter because all semblance of schedule is disrupted. Simply remembering that my feet —or whatever — is connected to the earth really helps. Breathing helps. Sitting or savasana helps, even if I do it for only ten minutes.

These can be very rich times to practice because it’s endless …..the depths of *stuff* I’ve been oblivious and/or numb to. I dedicate my life to increasing this awareness.

Is this what is meant by awakening: The pieces of insight or vision that grow larger and deeper with practice? Aspirations and intentions are best stated in the present tense: I AM enlightenment…..I AM lovingkindness compassion….I AM flexible and strong…..

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2 Responses

  1. well, that’s life for you dude! it is weird and uncontrollable! Very strong messages to the end. I felt the power of the words in this post!

  2. vishalhd, thanks for visiting and commenting. Look forward to hearing from you again.

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